The Birds And The Bees
by Banen
Summary: Sometimes being a genius just gets in the way of learning...or maybe Roger just should have hired someone else to teach sex ed. Those children were impossible!


Lesson 1: Condoms

A/N: _I don't know where this came from XD_

* * *

Most preteens find puberty an awkward social transition, to say the least, but when you had a house full of haughty, isolated, _genius _orphans…hormones bred the scariest form of idiocy. Roger had an entire file cabinet filled with medical injury records related to the dreaded 'love confession.' Near alone had been poisoned six different ways before it was discovered that Linda was testing a chemistry experiment (an odorless topical _love serum_) and that she just _happened _to smear it all over a brand new set of Legos. Equally dangerous was that one Valentine's day when Conrad decided to set fireworks off in the dining room, and although they _did _form the shape of a pretty red heart…everyone concluded that burning half the cafeteria was a bit reckless. Then there was the time when Beta locked Matt in the cold storage because he was too absorbed in his Gameboy to even realize that she was asking him out (out of which he developed a distinct aversion to freezers). So when one of the staff members suggested that Roger give the kids a 'talk'…he supposed it might be worth the eternal awkwardness in exchange for a few less medical bills.

Some students found the idea amusing…others were far more indignant, like Mello…

"Can you believe this, Matt? How stupid does he think we are that he needs to lecture us on how to react to our own fucking hormones? I mean, taking love advice from _Roger _of all people! The man is so old, I doubt he can even get it up anymore…"

Matt said nothing, because he didn't want to face Mello's taunts. The truth was, Matt was anticipating Roger's lessons, because he had been dealing with a rather acute problem of his own along the very nature of confessions and love and…all that confusing shit. But like most teenagers, Matt was unsure of himself, and terrified of rejection. He was hoping that he could get some pointers on how to...well...aproach the object of his desire without getting kneed in the nutsack.

Whatever feelings the children had towards the matter, they all filed into the science lab at the time Roger requested. Everyone sat down as the caretaker began the lesson. He had charts of body parts and went on about monthly cycles and reproductive juices and a whole host of gross boring scientic nonsense that nobody paid attention to. About twenty minutes into the lesson, however, Roger had a brief but severe lapse in judgment: he passed around a box of condoms. Now, while his intention was to show the children what they looked like and how to use them...one of the less attentive orphans (Mello) decided to blow it up like a balloon and toss it around everyone's heads like a beachball in summertime.

"Settle down, settle down, children. That is not the proper use of a condom," Roger scolded, the severe tone of his voice eliciting chuckles from more than one audience member.

"Then why don't you show us the proper usage?" yelled a voice from the back of the room (presumably Mello).

"Yes, well...umn...that is to say..."

Roger found it increasingly difficult to continue the lesson. He was embarrassed and he knew he had little progress in capturing their attention. And yet, the man _was_ determined. He would get through the lesson if it damn well killed him. Not knowing quite what else to do, he moved on to the demonstration aspect of the lesson, as requested. Roger produced a bananna. He proceeded to unwrap the packaging of a condom and roll it down the the side without a stem. The plastic membrane caught on the tip of the bananna and wouldn't move properly so the man yanked it a bit harder—too hard, as luck would have it, because not only did the condom rip, he managed to squeeze the bananna too hard and the peel popped, sputtering bannana chunks all over his face.

The children began talking all at once.

"That was awesome, man, just like a porno!"

"Ewwww, I don't want a boy's pee on my face."

"That's not pee, Hannah, it's umn...s...semen?"

"I don't want that on my face either!"

"See Matt? I told you Roger couldn't function properly at his age."

"What's the point in putting something on your weiner if you're just gonna tear a hole in it?"

"That was hilarious. Flippin' hilarious. Whoa."

"Failure of epic proportions."

"Does a boy's peepee hurt when it explodes like that?"

Roger retrieved a paper towel from over the sink and wiped the banana mush from his eyes and cheeks, reflecting on just how much he hated children.

Oh how he hated them.

* * *

A/N: _What would you like to see for the next lesson?_


End file.
